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Saturday, 18 July 2009

  • Evangelism without trying to prove my faith.

    Just a quick little post, but I would really appreciate some comments.

    I am in an ongoing discussion with a very good friend of mine, Sam. He grew up in a Christian home, but sometime before highschool he began to question religion and now identifies himself as an agnostic. This breaks my heart as a friend. He is an amazing man full of this passion but is constantly frustrated because he doesn't know what's driving his passion and where its going. The answer is so obvious to me. Jesus. I have no doubt that what I see in him is Jesus slowly, but surely, softening his heart.

    For the longest time I kept my mouth shut about my faith with him. A part of it is ofcourse my own insecurity when it comes to evangelism. But there's another part that keeps reminding me that it is not my job to save him. I couldn't imagine that God would want to use a woman that he has had romantic feelings for to show him Jesus. Everything I've been taught about "not save dating" clearly goes against it.

    I am absolutely not "save dating" here. Don't worry.

    I do, however, love my friend unconditionally and want him to know and trust God. For the longest time I have decided that meant to keep my mouth shut, lead by example, pray for him and wait patiently to see who God speaks through to him.

    The door has been opened too many times for me to ignore it now. We started talking about my faith and I tried answering his questions. He's brilliant, so its so intimidating and hard. I find myself in tears after every conversation because I feel drained. However, I am unbelievably thankful for this opportunity and need some help.

    I have fallen into a pattern of trying to prove my faith to him. I just realized this morning that HIS story is not about MY faith.

    So, how do I share God's grace without constantly feeling like I'm trying to prove my faith to him. What do I do? What do I say? How to I react to his misguided thoughts? How do I keep him from feeling judged?

Friday, 17 July 2009

  • A Glimpse of God

    Hokay... so!

    {You know I'm in a good mood when I start quoting "End of the World". If Monty Python quotes pop up, watch out, its a good day :) }

    I was sitting in Muddy Waters reading "The Shack" this morning when my little brain just started churning.

    {I always picture my brain like the cool machine at Spill the Beans, put in some thoughts, smoosh it all up, spin it with some kind of crazy drill bit, and out comes this wonderfully delicious, obscure question.}

    After reading "Never the Bride" and starting "The Shack" I can't help but question....

    What does God look like?

    After reading a few fictional books I think my brain started to decide what "My God" looks like. I always know I'm in trouble when I start to take possession of things that, very clearly, aren't just mine. I had fun with the idea though.

    Kind of like my theory that everyone sees the world in different colors, we've just been told what to name them.

    I started thinking about how fun it would be to make up what I think God looks like. I'm a visual person. When I read I have this awesome black and white cartoon drawn in my head that's ever changing and adapting to the words on the page. After a few books where God shows Himself as a man, I've got a crazy hybrid character playing God in my head.

    Originally this entry was going to end there. I was going to stop and ask the question,

    So what color is your God? What do you see God looking like?

    Then I decided I shouldn't be ignorant and just go on what I think. I took a look in the Bible and now I have a new question.

    I did a Google search for "glimpse of God"...

    I don't know why, but I always feel like I need to challenge Google and think of the hardest way to state my search and see if it's smart enough to figure it out. It did this time.

    After reading through a few articles I found one that referenced me to a few passages. I cracked open the pink and orange teen Bible that I still love so much, even though its embarrassing to be 22 and carrying it to church, and did some reading.

    I don't think I like what I read.

    Exodus 33:20
    “But," he said, "you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.”

    OK.... search over, for now I can just picture God as my Knight in Shining Armor, right?
    NOPE

    Ezekiel 1:26-28
    “Above the expanse over their heads was what looked like a throne of sapphire, and high above on the throne was a figure like that of a man. I saw that from what appeared to be his waist up he looked like glowing metal, as if full of fire, and that from there down he looked like fire; and brilliant light surrounded him. Like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the radiance around him.”

    Then to Revelation....

    It always scares me to look in Revelation. When I first became a believer the advice I was given by a man I'd never met was, "Don't look in Revelation until your roots are deep and your faith is strong."

    Revelation 1:14-16
    “His head and hair were white like wool, as white as snow, and his eyes were like blazing fire. His feet were like bronze glowing in a furnace, and his voice was like the sound of rushing waters. In his right hand he held seven stars, and out of his mouth came a sharp double-edged sword. His face was like the sun shining in all its brilliance.”

    Ummm... sorry, but this is NOT what I had in mind when I thought of God. Good thing I opened up His book.

    I can't help but notice though; "blazing fire", "furnace", "glowing metal", "full of fire"; all these references of fire. I thought fire:Hell::awesome::Heaven.

    That's right Ladies and Gents, dust off that SAT workbook from highschool... I just referenced a complex simile.
    (fire is to Hell as awesome is to Heaven)

    One more thing... "out of his mouth came a sharp double-edged sword"... what, like a snakes tongue? At this point I think I'm a little scared of the black and white cartoon of God drawn in my head. Yeah, it mentioned rainbows, radiance, and brilliance, but the more descriptive words are a little bit terrifying. What happened to the Knight in Shining armor with a sense of humor from "Never the Bride"?

    So, any help? I'm sure there's more to dig into in the Bible, but I'm curious to see if anyone else has studied this idea of what God might look like. I know it isn't one of those questions with a real answer, I'm just looking for another opinion or maybe a more knowledgeable look at the passages I mentioned. Context is everything, and I haven't got a clue about the context that could open up these passages for me.

Thursday, 16 July 2009

  • Can blogging bring closure?

    This might be the only closure I get.

    Yesterday, I found some happiness. I woke up and my heart was calm and I wasn't frustrated with Jacob ignoring me. I finally found some foothold. I didn't fall asleep full of fear. I woke up and checked my Facebook and I had a replied message from Jacob's sister, Rachel. I sent her a message the night before just asking if he was alive and well since I hadn't heard from my boyfriend in over 2 weeks. He's accident proned and I had started to worry about him. The thought passed my mind that maybe he was hurt and in a hospital somewhere and not ignoring me intentionally. Rachel's message said that he was alive and well, just very busy with work and helping his Dad on the farm. Apparently, there's been a lot of combining to do in the last few weeks. Even though I knew officially that it meant he had truly been ignoring me for 15 days, it put a smile on my face. It was so nice to hear that he was ok, just keeping himself busy. I left for work with a smile on my face. I was content to let him have his space.

    I certainly wasn't calming myself down. I know that God was guarding my heart for what's to come, I'm sure.

    Then, I signed back onto my Facebook account.

    I was scanning through my mini-feed, giggling to myself about the silly things my friends say and do. That's when I saw it;

    "Cara Jones is no longer in a relationship with Jacob Mashburn"

    Huh? Wait...what?

    I didn't know I was broken up with?

    I mean, the boy had been MIA for half a month, but I thought that was just a continuation of him "needing to think". Ofcourse, over the last 15 days I had my moments of frustration and did what I always do. I pretended like I was fine and told my friends I could care less what he did. So. Not. True. I was trying to guard myself. Trying to prepare myself for what I didn't think would actually happen.

    I was genuinely thinking that he would take his time to think, and realize he had been trying to control every little thing in his life by himself and had forgotten about God's grace. I was expecting to get a phone call that was hard, but honest and that we could build from there, like we've always done. For almost 3 years we've had our struggles. We've let ourselves stumble and helped each other up. We've given each other space and time to explore and make sure that what we were doing was as much a Godsend as it seemed. The point is;

    Better or worse, we've always gotten through the tough times together.

    But, the point of this entry isn't to reminise. The point is that my boyfriend broke up with me through Facebook, without a word, and that means I have zero closure. He won't talk to me, so I can't tell him all the things I want to tell him. He doesn't have stable internet on the farm, so there's no use in emailing him. I decided that maybe I just need to get these things out and just say them and maybe it won't matter that I'm not technically saying them to him. So....

    First of all, I woke up at 2am to this text message;

    "yeah well thats all i am one huge disappointment. it doesn't matter what i do or how much i give it is never enough for anyone"

    I didn't think I should reply. I read and re-read those two sentences over and over again. I tried to convince myself that for 2 weeks he ignored every text I sent him and every voicemail. I convinced myself that it was OK to just let that text message go unanswered.

    That lasted all of 5 minutes before I replied with this... which after re-reading this afternoon, I'm a little embarrassed;

    "You don't know how badly I wish I could support you and help you through this. I wish you'd let me be that woman for you. But I have never been treated as badly by anyone as you've treated me these last few weeks, and at some point I have to stand up for myself. Cut out the pity party and go find Jesus. I get the feeling you haven't asked him for help since March. And don't ever treat another woman the way I've let you treat me."



    So, that wasn't the best way to say what I wanted to say. But, I was trying to get all of my emotions out in just a few text messages. I wanted to tell him so many things;

    1. I want to still be the woman that holds him up and supports him. I still want to be the woman that he can be honest with and come to me to find some kind of solace. I want to be able to fix whatever he's going through.

    2. No matter what has happened in the last few weeks, I wish he would have just apologized so we could work through this and still be each others.

    3. Since he didn't apologize and decided to throw a pity party for himself and make sure that I knew he was the one hurting, I needed to stand up for myself. I needed to let him know that he hurt me. He's hurt me worse this time than he ever has. He has run from me and taken his emotions with him. He hasn't let me be a part of this relationship. He has shut me out and made me feel like some kind of bystander just watching this train wreck without the say-so to be able to help. He has, in no words, told me that my opinion on our relationship doesn't matter and he doesn't want to hear it. He's let me know that he could care less what I've been going through, its been all about him. His decisions, his thoughts, his emotions.

    4. I have given everything I know how to give. I have read and re-read the parts of the Bible that tell me how to be a Godly woman for him. I have supported and kept my mouth shut and asked about his days and his feelings. I have been going through a silent Hell and kept it to myself because he seemed to be going through something worse. All I want is to be the woman God has so far trained me to be for a man that He has put on this Earth for me to comfort, care for, support, love unconditionally, and submit to.

    5. He hasn't been that man.... Our story has always been far too creepy (for lack of a more accurate word) for it to be anything but a Godsend. But he isn't ready to be a Godly man in a relationship. He doesn't even know what it means. That scares me so much. It scares me for him. I want him to know God and trust Him and give everything up to Him and know that its ok to follow. He doesn't know that. He might've known that in the past, but he's forgotten it.

    6. I can't let myself fall back in love with this man. I can't let myself continue to want to be all these things to a man that may be wonderful, but has lost sight of Jesus.

    So that's it.... maybe one day he'll read it. I'm not sure why anyone else would want to read all of it... I just had to get it out. I'm sure there's more somewhere. But, for now, this is OK.

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

  • Christians... tattoos... Should they mix?

    Is there something sinful about getting a tattoo?

    The question is simple enough, and I'm sure its been blogged about daily somewhere. But I'm curious. I've done some looking into it and I would love to see what other people have found as well. If you're a Christian and you've thought about getting a tattoo I'm sure someone has quoted Leviticus 19:28 to you;

    "Do not cut your bodies for the dead, and do not mark your skin with tattoos. I am the Lord."

    Like every other passage in the Bible, it seems like a clear cut rule when looked at alone. But context is so important. I'm pretty sure the context of this passage is all about forbidding pagan worship and rituals. Sooo... does that mean that because tattoos might have originated from a pagan ritual, we, as Christians, should still stay away from them? Or should we just stay away from the pagan rituals that used to back them? After all, the verses before this one tell us not to eat meat that has been drained of its blood or cut our hair or beards... I don't know about you, but I get haircuts every now and then.

    I guess it then becomes a personal struggle, not something that can be answered with a general, biblical rule. What is your motivation in getting a tattoo? Does it stem from your faith or from some hidden (or not so hidden) sin?

    I've always thought about two options for a tattoo; my life verse (Micah 6:8) or the word "contentment".

    I've always considered getting a tattoo so that I would have a constant reminder. I decided a long time ago that if I could stay settled on a tattoo idea for a solid year without failing, I would get it. Problem is, I have 2 ideas and want them in 2 different places. I want the life verse on my left inner wrist and  "contentment" on the inner arch of my left foot.

    I've never been good at evangelism.

    However, I used to write "Micah 6:8" in Sharpie every day on my left wrist to get used to the idea of always having it there, in every situation. I cannot tell you how many doors it opened. I was waiting tables at the time and so many non-believers would ask me to quote it and would then think about it, if not ask more questions.

    So, what do you think? To tattoo or not to tattoo? If you have back-up from the Bible I would love to check it out, I'm still in the "hungry for the word" stage of my Christian walk. Also, if my backup from the Bible isn't right, please call me out on it. I love to learn.


Monday, 13 July 2009

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    • Name: Cara
    • Birthday: 2/19/1987
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 7/6/2009

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  • I'm a christian woman who never thought she'd ever blog. I keep my thoughts to myself and a wonderful friend suggested it might be freeing to let them out every now and then.

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